Speaker’s ministry helps divorcees rebuild faith, parishes to minister in difficult situations

Detroit — When a marriage ends in divorce, one of the first words that often springs to mind for those involved is “mistake.”

Was it a mistake to get married? What mistakes led to this point? Was the divorce a mistake?

Whatever might have occurred, Lisa Duffy wants to help divorced Catholics to avoid what she considers the greatest error of all: Leaving their faith behind.

“A big misconception for Catholics who are going through a divorce is that they are not welcome. That’s such a tragic misunderstanding because they tend to walk away from the very thing that’s going to save them from their pain and heal them,” Duffy said.

Duffy, a divorce recovery expert from Charleston, S.C., and author of “Divorced. Catholic. Now What?” will offer two evening parish presentations May 4-5 in southeast Michigan to help separated and divorced Catholics learn how to put the pieces back together after the pain of a failed marriage. The talks will start at 7 p.m. at Our Lady of Good Counsel School in Plymouth on May 4 and St. Paul on the Lake School in Grosse Pointe Farms on May 5.

Duffy, who struggled through her own unwanted divorce in the early 1990s, said she was surprised at the lack of parish-based support ministries available at the time and set out to help parishes walk with those suffering similar experiences.

“My relationship with God had suffered quite a bit in those early years,” said Duffy, who wrote her parish-based divorce-recovery program, Journey of Hope, in 2000. “I made a ton of mistakes and I ended up realizing that the only true healing I would ever find would be staying close to the sacraments and embracing my faith.”

During her visit, Duffy will also offer a morning workshop for parish staff and volunteers to learn how to minister to those who are hurting, aiming to dispel some of the misconceptions surrounding the topic.

“That is a big deal for a lot of parishes because this is a very complex and controversial issue, and a lot of people are kind of at a loss as to how to really reach out to that community in the Church,” Duffy said.

Duffy said her program is faithful to the Church’s teachings regarding divorce — even the sometimes difficult truths — but said both participants and parishes will come away with a greater sense of how Christ can heal even some of the deepest wounds.

Deacon Bill Jamieson, who facilitates the divorce-recovery program at St. Paul on the Lake Parish, whichwill host Duffy on May 5, said it’s important for divorced Catholics to understand that the Church does not view them as “second-class citizens,” but as brothers and sisters.

St. Paul started its program in October with 17 participants, and each week the diverse group meets is another opportunity for learning and growth, Deacon Jamieson said.

“You can just feel our Lord’s healing presence in the group,” Deacon Jamieson said. “You know he’s there, and he knows what it’s like to be betrayed. You could see people developing a relationship with Jesus, knowing that he’s been there and done that.”

Duffy said one of the biggest misunderstandings — for both divorced Catholics and for those who minister to them — is that divorce automatically cuts someone off from being able to receive the sacraments.

“It’s important for people to understand that a civil divorce decree in and of itself does not prohibit one from receiving the sacraments. What does prohibit anyone from receiving the sacraments is being in a state of mortal sin. If you are not  in a state of grace, it doesn’t matter if you are married, divorced, single or religious,” said Duffy, who will also organize a conference for separated and divorced Catholics in Charleston, S.C., in August.

Because of the temptation to turn to a new relationship when one is initially divorced, Duffy advises parishes to avoid co-ed divorce recovery programs, and advises individuals to avoid dating and focus instead on healing the spiritual and emotional wounds.

“The temptation is very strong to jump into a relationship or to find someone new, especially when everybody around you is going to say, ‘Oh, I’ve got the perfect person for you now that you’re available’,” Duffy said. “It’s just the wrong time.”

“Instead, I try to tell people to find your footing in your faith. Stay close to Mass, stay close to the sacraments. Go to confession, because not only are you confessing your sins, but you’re getting some really good spiritual direction and the graces you need to stay strong.”

For those who might feel called to explore it, the annulment process can offer great healing, but even if one isn’t able to obtain an annulment, God can use hardship to bring about good, Duffy added.

“God always has purpose in whatever we’re called to. If we seek what that purpose is and fulfill it to the best of our ability, God will bring joy because of our faithfulness,” Duffy said.